I used to think that I was a people pleaser. To some degree I am – I am trying to sever a relationship with someone who has been provided me a service mainly because I am paying for advice and I don’t think that they are giving me the best advice, I found that incredibly hard. However I am beginning to realise that in reality most of the time what I want is people to like me, at some level I believe if people like me – I will always get my own way.
This question goes backwards and forwards in my mind. On the one hand I want everyone to like me, purely so that I can manipulate them on the other hand I realized that just to try and win the approval of people I have made myself fairly unhappy.
I guess though both sides of the coin can co-exist. I am back at home at the moment which means more contact with my Mum. It really is true that you choose your friends not your family.
I’m finding any contact with my Mum a struggle and she seems to want to spend a lot of time with me. I’m only moving away from some of the craziness in my life but I am not far enough away to really deal with her introducing the same sort of thing into my life. I hand over my fears to God, she doesn’t which means there are a number of crisis’s each day.
She also made this throw away comment about how she liked telling people where I lived and how I earn my living. She may like it but I’m finding when I meet new people here – it just gives me attention which I really don’t want.
One of the things I am realizing is that alcohol specifically trying to drink how I want to – influenced every change of job I made – however I have been sober a while and I stay in the job partly to please her. I think I would rather a much more person centred job – but that doesn’t have the prestiage at least in her eyes that my current job has. I’d also have to take a pay cut. I’m not sure if that would be the end of the world though. I have a couple of major financial commitments but after that it would be do-able. I heard someone say the other day that he didn’t have much but he was content – I guess I want that feeling of being content. I only met this guy a week ago – but I can see he is comfortable in his own skin and content – I want those kind of people in my life and I want that feeling.